The Past Three Years
How I lost myself and began the long, grueling journey to discovering who I am in adulthood.
In August 2019 — I thought I had everything figured out. I had just finished performing & working for an incredible summer stock theatre company. I was heading into my junior year of college at a prestigious liberal arts school studying theatre. I had a wonderful group of friends and sisters supporting me in my sorority. I had joined the sorority a year earlier. I had a sense that the journey I had chosen was the right one for the dreams I wanted to accomplish.
About a few days before I was supposed to make the trip back to college for my junior year, something just did not feel right. I had a pounding sensation in my heart shouting at me — “Do not go back!” A voice inside my head screaming at me — “you are not where you belong.” A gnawing feeling in my stomach expressing to me — “you just cannot do this anymore.”
These were sentences in my conscience that had been whispered to me in the back of my mind for a while — but I had always just ignored them. Telling myself “you are exactly where you belong,” “this is the right place for you,” “you will figure out eventually that you were right this whole time — just wait.”
Never in my life had my heart, head & conscience been calling at me more loudly than ever before “do not go back.” I hated it. I hated that my gut feeling was telling me this. I resented that this was what I was truly feeling. I wanted so badly for this not to be true. I told that voice to shut up, I have everything planned and figured out and I am packed up and ready to go.
I did not have everything figured out, in fact, I would come to realize I had no idea what I was doing. I was completely spinning out of control with these mind-racing thoughts. So I did the one thing I knew how to do at that moment—I made a list—a pros & cons list. The positives & negatives of my experiences in college so far.
When I finished writing that list — I was heartbroken. The cons most definitely outweighed the pros. I had come to a truth that I had been denying deeply. The only thing keeping me at college were my friends, my sorority. The community was keeping me afloat. They were lifting me up when I was feeling down. The social life I had finally found that I had been looking for this whole time at this school. Was this the reason I was here in the first place? Was this worth paying a ridiculous, criminal amount of money for? Would this help me reach the true goals that I want to achieve from what I’m studying at college?
The answer to all of the above was no. An absolute no.
What I was about to do was by far the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. Just a few days before my junior year of college was going to start — I abruptly left the school and took an indefinite leave of absence.
My body was filled with sickening anxiety and distress the three days following that decision. It was all a blur. I could barely eat, sleep or function as I pondered the what-ifs that consumed my mind. What if I made the wrong choice? Did I really just walk away from it all? Am I going to regret this in the future? Should I have buried my doubts and gritted through my last two years at this school?
“And maybe it’s me. But it all seems like lifetimes ago. So what do I say to these faces that I used to know? ‘Hey, I’m home.’ Just breathe.”
—Nina Rosario; ‘Breathe’ from ‘In the Heights’
The choice that I made agonized me for a very long time. I went through bouts of crippling depression & anxiety. The aftermath of this storm wasn’t a pretty one, but an ugly rollercoaster and circling maze of where the fuck was life going to take me next.
Six months later — I received the first sign that my agonizing decision was probably one for the better instead of the worst. The COVID-19 pandemic struck the country and the world like an apocalyptic meteorite. My family and I panicked as the uncertainty of this disease and the state of the world started to become a reality. My friends and peers back at the school I recently left were forced to stop their campus lives and abruptly return home. It was what I did just six months earlier. Campus productions, performances, workshops, readings & projects that students had put so much time and effort into creating — were canceled in a devastating blow to all of the students & staff.
As I was locked down at home in my childhood bedroom — a place I had recently moved back into six months earlier — I couldn’t help but think that this was a sign from some higher power that I, if truth be told, did make the right decision. But the pandemic would only usher in its own set of troubles for me.
“You hold tight to your umbrella. Well, darlin’, I’m just tryin’ to tell ya. That there’s always been a rainbow, hangin’ over your head.”
—Kacey Musgraves; ‘Rainbow’
My mental health deteriorated — the lockdown made me an isolated, reclusive hermit. I become disinterested in interacting with the burning world around me. It seemed as if every day a new armageddon historical event was taking place. My social life became nonexistent. I resorted to unhealthy vices such as drugs & alcohol to numb my ever-growing loneliness and sadness. I hated everything around me. If the world is going to go down, why not I go down with it?
This period would last for around a year and a half. It was incredibly destructive for me. I was driving down a never-ending road — mindlessly racing through life with no destination in sight. I had lost interest in everything that I once cared about. I was questioning my artistic ambitions, if I should just listen to the noise around me and pursue a “real job.” Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
Slowly but surely — I began the excruciating rock climb to find myself again. I gradually picked up the pieces of me that I left when I sunk into this black hole. I began to work with an acting coach who literally saved my life. He became a trusted mentor and stuck with me & had patience with me when I knew I could be doing more for myself. I enrolled in a different school, an acting conservatory to help hone my artistic skills and gain my love for theatre again. I started to learn more about the art of acting and the blossoming and ever-changing theatre world around me. I learned that I am worthy as an artist. I am enough as an actor and a performer. The journey that I’m on is my own — and no other person can decide that for me.
In a career where it is all too easy to doubt and question yourself, the weight of rejection being a heavy one, I discovered that I am not just a performer — but an artist. I can create, direct, manage, produce, design, and write. Limiting myself as just an actor is nothing but a detriment to me. I am capable of so much more. I can create the roles that I dream to play. I can write the scripts that I want to see on stage or screen. I can work & collaborate with artists that I crave to learn from. I cannot sit, wait and hope for something to happen. I have to go out and make it happen for myself. Nobody is going to promote me like me. I need to show the theatre world that I’m a pretty great artist, worthy of not just being seen--but heard.
I wouldn’t have been able to start this rock climb without my Mom & Dad, who have always been my safety net. They have constantly been there to catch me when I fall. They tell me what I need to hear even when I don’t like it. They point out my flaws and call me out on my bullshit so that I can take the steps to improve myself. My Mom & Dad are truly my superheroes. I cannot describe in words how eternally grateful I am to have both of them in my corner. They have been the anchors that have hoisted me up on this big & scary rock climb to discovering my true self again. I truly would not be where I am without them. My two guardian angels in life.
Adulthood fucking sucks. I know a lot of you can toast to that sentiment. Being in your early 20s & coming into adulthood during a global pandemic and the ever-looming presence of fascism taking over the world really fucking sucks. It becomes harder and harder to be an optimist in today’s world. A quick scroll on Twitter can dampen my mood in an instant. It seems as if nothing positive is happening in present-day society, only heightening my anxieties about what the future is going to look like for my fellow late millennials/gen-z’ers.
One thing I have had to accept is that I cannot keep living my life in fear. Balling myself up in my comfort zone is never going to get me anywhere. Doing the things that I have always feared, that have always brought me feelings of discomfort, is the only way I can move forward in my life.
I was ashamed of the decisions I made for a long time. I kept it to myself and refused to share any of it with anyone for fear of embarrassment and that I was letting people down. I had all of these ambitious dreams and plans for myself that the people in my life were expecting out of me. “What happened? What happened to her? Is she doing okay? I thought she was going somewhere in life.” These intrusive thoughts from the people around me poisoned my mind.
I felt intense guilt and embarrassment that I didn’t choose a conventional path. That I left school before I had the chance to finish all four years. Because I didn’t graduate at the same time that all my peers did. But nobody’s path is conventional. No one’s path is linear. As we have seen in the times of COVID, life is full of the unexpected. People’s plans change constantly. Most importantly, your mental health and personal well-being should always be the top priority.
My decision to leave school so abruptly was one in which I thought of myself first. I decided that I was somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be, that was weighing me down instead of lifting me up, and made the hard choice of saying no. I can’t physically and mentally be somewhere that isn’t personally fulfilling me. Even though it was a painfully hard decision — I can now say that I am proud of myself for making it.
If it wasn’t for my decision not to go back, I would not be the person I am now. A person who is reaping the benefits of discovering who I truly am as an adult. I graduated from an acting conservatory where I received phenomenal training, gained my love of performing & theatre back, and have tremendous love & support from mentors, teachers & peers who are invested in my artistic future. I produced my own virtual vocal recitals with the help of my voice teachers and placed honors last year in state vocal adjudications. I performed in two musical theatre productions last year — solidifying the reason I chose this career path in the first place. Receiving positive reviews and regional award nominations for my work. I am employed at an amazing job at a theatre company that I love, with co-workers & friends who believe in me and have my back.
I’ve thought about the “what-ifs” and the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve’s” extensively over the years. But rarely do I think about them anymore. I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be. They always say that everything happens for a reason, and I do believe it does. I’ve discovered that I am capable of so much more than I could’ve ever believed way back in August 2019. The Caroline today is way more sure of herself, productive, motivated, ambitious, and focused. Adjectives that I can’t use to describe the Caroline in August 2019.
I know that I’ve made mistakes, fucked up, crashed & burned, and crumbled at times. But if it wasn’t for those mistakes that I’ve made — I wouldn’t have learned from them and risen from the abyss like I am now. People say when you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. Well, I’m definitely rock climbing upward. A hard & grueling climb at best. Nowhere near the top, but certainly stronger and more capable than ever of getting there.
Caroline, I love the honesty and vulnerability of your writing.